Do Zombie’s Fart?

Do Zombie’s Fart?

Zombie ToiletTom here has been on the pot for an hour, and nothing has happened… yet. He’s probably wishing he had more ruffage.

We all know we need to eat our veggies to become big and strong.

What about zombies though?
Zombies are unsurprisingly a different story. They need their greasy, bloodied human entrails so they can moan and groan a little bit louder.

Really though. Has anyone ever asked why would a dead person, decaying and rotting, have a need to eat anything?

Zombie tales rarely go into detail on the mechanics of how human flesh actually nourishes the Undead’s body.

It is clear though, that Undead guys and gals alike, get the munchies. Their desire? Apparently, they need humans who have hot, blood pumping through their arteries. Humans are the appetizer, the main course, desert, really – everything.

Throw a dart, and more likely than not it’ll hit a work of literature or film that depicts zombies starving for bloodied guts and organs.

Most Undead are not picky eaters, munching down on anything in front of them. It’s truly hard to imagine a finicky eater in the world of Undead. Of course there’s always an exception, in Return of the Living Dead the zombies are actually picky eaters. They’re fixated on chomping down on brains. I’m not sure what they did when they came upon folks who I’ve known to be… how should say, a little lean upstairs? I guess the whole saying, “Beggars can’t be choosers”, applies here.

Food Pyramid - USELet’s take a peak at the Z’s food primary foods.

This food pyramid is from Scott Brundage’s web page. Brains, as you see, are akin to our veggies and fruits, a must.

Brains are on the bottom where we humans have grains and veggies. Veggies and grains are relatively easy for humans, brains, I would think are kinda difficult.

Let’s reflect on this for a second shall we. The folks with teeth falling out have to chomp through a thick hard material in order to get their equivalence of veggies?!

I’m thinking it makes more sense if the soft parts of humans was the primary food source. I mean, no offense Walking-Dead guys, but you’re not exactly fast, most of you are pathetically slow. Your joints and bones are rotting and if I’m not mistaken, you don’t have a Zombie dentist to visit.

I’m just saying. Maybe, just maybe, you probably should put brains on the very top. We humans put meat on top, and though meat isn’t a problem in modern society it had it’s challenges when our pioneer families in 1800s were armed with a musket and knife.

This making sense guys?

I’m thinking, if Zombies existed, they would be thanking their maker they’re not exclusive brain eaters.

Can you imagine the irritation of being an Undead, not known for your smarts, and having to dig through someone’s cranium just to get your desired meat? Sounds like a nightmare to me. Now, if the Undead guys were bright, and carried their own saw kit, then they’d be set.

Alas, they don’t.

saws.v1 Zombies have not always been crazed humanvores.

The zombies of the 1930s films were not human flesh eating z-folks, they were simply risen from the dead to be a slave.

Things changed by the 1960s. Those Walking-Dead knew how to party! They gorged on humans like no tomorrow.

The TV series, The Walking Dead, keeps to the rule of thumb that Undead are slow, dumb and hungry. Here, zombies are crazed for human flesh and aren’t too picky on the body parts they find.

The Walking Dead zombies take their sweet time when they find a victim, plunging fingers into them as the person squeals in pain. They love to pluck their greedy fingers into human tissue and pull as hard as they can. Their teeth may be rotting and falling out but that doesn’t stop them. They’ll bare their jaws down into that flesh and rip.

Oops, loss a tooth on that one.

Rot teeth copy

In recent times, there’s a new trend. Apparently, the Undead no longer like long drawn out meals. In modern day, zombies are more like us. They’re on the go and in search of a drive-thru. It’s true, you are likely to meet a zombie in our modern era who is rushed and has no time to smell the flowers. These guys are certainly missing out on a full meal of raw, bloody tendrilly flesh.

Sure, they love to chase you, knock you down, bite you, but then that’s it. They say, “Bye man. Sorry. Got to run!” These Zs on the move aren’t really interested in feasting, or even snacking, they just want to give you a quick hickey that turns you into one of them. I have to admit it’s not too clear what the diet of the rushed zombies is. Perhaps they have a human granola bar they munch down when we’re not looking.

How live flesh helps an Undead is really unknown to me. I’m guessing, it’s probably unknown to the writers who write about them. Certainly it’s unknown to the actors who portray them. I admit I don’t know have a clue.

I’ve always had one burning question to throw out there but too embarrassed to ask.

Outhouse Star 2So, do zombies fart? They ever cramp up and have to take a shit? Do they ever need to go behind a bush and pee?

We all just presume  the Z-sters as I call them, are just hungry fellas. They’re too stupid to know how to cook, and, they probably say, Lookey there are bi-pedal meat-sticks walking around, just ready to nab.

But truly, can live human flesh actually nourish the Undead?

A zombie, after all, is nothing but pure rotten flesh. It stinks of raw fecal corrosion.

None of us know anything about the anatomy of the rotten dead walkers. I always presume the intestines are leaking a horrible, pungent matter that if fully inhaled would cause a guy with the stuffiest of noses to faint dead away.

In terms of zombie science, there really isn’t much out there people. That might be because, technically, Undead are fictitious.

There is one source that may be helpful, written by none else than a medical doctor. It’s called The Secret Notebooks from the Apocalypse by Steven C. Scholzman, M.D. Might be a good read… check it out.

But for now, moaning Tom will continue to sit on the pot, reading the news and hopefully he’ll feel better in a bit.

Blog by Bryce Bentley Summers

Bryce is the author of the Sci-Fi/ Dark Fantasy series AMEN to ROT. A series that goes beyond Undead, but takes us into a dark, sinister alien world that is using humans on Earth as raw resources to build a new army. Bryce has also authored Nyte God and Rotville which are currently in the publishing process.

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