In 2012, the Center for Disease Control launched a site with the exact same image as we see here. It was titled, Zombie Preparedness.
The site was so popular it crashed.
Ask people to read information on how to prepare for a hurricane or flood and they yawn. Give them a web link on how to prepare for a Z takeover, and WHAM, they’re alive!
The director of the Office of Public Health Preparedness and Response for the CDC noted, “If you are generally well equipped to deal with a zombie apocalypse you will be prepared for a hurricane, pandemic, earthquake, or terrorist attack.” Good thinking Director.
Even Kansas recently is on the Z-Readiness Alert. That’s right, Dorothy and Toto are preparing for a zombie takeover. And the big guns, the Pentagon, has drawn up plans for a zombie takeover.
The Pentagon plans calls on soldier to deliver head shots, burn the body, and deploy nuclear weapons to wipe out the zombie horde.
I’m willing to ask the big question though, Are we really, truly ready for the Zombie takeover?
I mean a tornado is wind and you either blow with it or hunker down in your shelter. A hurricane means either you get out of Dodge or button up tight. An earthquake? You never know when those puppies are coming, but be prepared to buy some new dishes.
But here’s the BIGGUN. The Z-Day.
Let’s say tomorrow we actually have the Z-Day. I’m going to be honest with you all. I’m not ready. I’m slacking here.
I’m praying the Z-Peeps are like the ones in the movies from the good ol’days. You know, from the 1960s and 70s, even 80s. Slow and stupid. Moaning and groaning. Not even smart enough to be scratching their ass … yeah, you know the ones.
Throw a penny behind one and he’ll turn around, dropping to his knees stupidly looking at the ground. He’ll quickly forget why he turned around in the first place. Sounds like my pet ferret I used to own.
If they’re anything like that, I’m pretty sure, I have a good chance of survival.
But to be on the safe side, I thought I would go ahead and peruse some zombie preparedness materials.
First, I’m going to take the CDC’s advice and pack away some edibles that are not perishables.
Ok, I grabbed a bag and now I’m putting in my food, flashlight, a lighter, batteries, small transistor radio. I’m definitely going to store water. Great. Check. I got some whole-grain crackers ready to go.
Now, we need a informational chart to see what we’re up against.
I’m going borrow the niffy Zombie Survival Flow Chart created by Wired.com.
Ah. I can see the Zombies are Slow. Ok, that’s good, I’m in good shape, I run half marathons, and I don’t smoke. I got ’em on this count. Whew.
Forgetfulness is one common Zombie staple. This is always helpful. Nothing like meeting a bunch of zombies who have severe Alzheimer’s Disease.
If I see a bunch of zombies on the street and they see me, I can pivot and walk quickly away. No need to sprint. After all, they’re slow. I don’t need to uselessly use up energy. I’ll move to the nearest abandoned store and watch them from the window. They’ll forget I was right in front of them. Thank God.
I’ll just take shelter inside my hideout, munch down on my crackers, and maybe pull out some reading material. Sooner or later the zombie herd will mill away.
My information chart tells me that zombies don’t feel anything. They suggest I don’t fight them.
Riiiiight. Ok, up to this point, I thought this flowchart had some good pointers. This though borders on asinine. Fancy word to say rather obvious. Seriously, who fights a zombie bare fisted except for Milla Jovovich?
Maybe I shouldn’t throw this out yet. They say, Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. I suppose this applies here.
Let’s keep reading.
The Undead have severe Attention Deficit Disorders (ADD). They don’t only have severe dementia but they’re easily distracted. This will make it easy to weave and circle around them. I’m starting to think the day we have a Z takeover, things won’t be too bad.
Maybe a mere inconvenience.
Last point. Oh yes. You know you’re mom told you to never parrot your sibling because it’s rude. Well, we’re going to use this one.
Yes sir, if all fails, mimic the rotters.
Position yourself in a twisted posture, slant one foot, moan slowly, and stumble forward. For you advance players, twitch your head like you have a slight tic. The zombie guys will never know you are a live human. Cool, huh?
Why you’re at it, you can conduct an anthropologic study as you amble with the Undead folk – see how the other half lives
You know, I’m thinking Z-Day is not so horrible after all.
On a scale 1 to 10, with 10 being the most horrific apocalypses, I’m going to say the Z-Day is a solid “5”.
I’m really not even sure what all the fuss was about.
But wait a moment.
This all presumes the zombies are stupid and slow. This makes the huge assumption that the Undead are going to hold true to movies from the 1960s, 70s, and 80s.
This makes the huge presumption that the Z-Walkers are basically like physically handicapped, mentally disabled, elderly people with dementia who are even lucky to be walking.
You know, I once presumed a professor was not going to ask a particular question on a test because he never covered that topic in class. You know how that turned out.
Sooo, what happens if the Dead-Walkers are not walkers? What if they are like Dead-Sprinters? What happens if we end up calling them Dead-Gallopers? What happens if they can run the 100 yard dash as fast as a Gold Olympist!
What happens if they can … plan and strategize?
I’m hearing crickets people.
Come on! What happens if they’re like those things in I Am Legend, and they can set up traps like the one that snagged Will Smith?
Or shit, what if the zombies are angry like the ones in 28 Days Later? Has anyone thought of these potentials! What if the Undead are sprinting after you like their ass is on fire and pissed as hell?
Dear God, what if you are hiding out in an abandoned apartment complex, and you are calmly waiting for a helicopter to come to the rooftop. In the meantime you’re nibbling on your non-perishable crackers. But all of sudden a swarm of Zombies breaks down the barriers.
In panic, you sprint up the stairs. They chase you up staircases to the top of a rooftop, on your heels the whole way.
You wipe the sweat off your brow as your helicopter starts to fly away and you look outside. Your jaw instantly drops.
The Dead-Sprinters have become Dead-Leapers and they jump like a Raptor from Jurassic Park. One manages to grab the helicopter rail and snarls up at you?
Hey, this is in the realm of possibilities, they did that to Brad Pitt in World War Z.
Does anyone have any answers if the newly risen are a bunch of Nazi Zombies who can coordinate their attacks?
I dare not think what will happen if they’re like the ones in Resident Evil. Those bastards changed … to creature-things.
Wow. My blood pressure is back up. All of sudden, I’m feeling quite unprepared again!
I’m going to suggest to the CDC and all Zombie experts out there that we should not be so content on our plans we have in place!
Let’s start rolling out some information on what we should do if we are attacked by NFL zombie-creatures that have intellects of professors.
Ok? Seriously, please.
We should consider all contingencies people!
Or, is it presumed, if the zombies are like Gold Olympists who can coordinate their attacks and are smart as hell, that we’re basically screwed anyway?
Bryce Bentley Summers is a psychologist who earned his Ph.D. from the University of Houston. He’s presently employed at the Dallas Veteran Affairs Medical Center. Bryce is the author of the Young Adult Dark Fantasy (Sci-Fi) series AMEN to ROT, a story that pits young people against a sinister force, but also takes a look at learning what your capable of accomplishing when facing impossible challenges. The novel Nyte God will conclude this series and will be available in 2015.
Be on the look out for a ROTVILLE, a Sci-Fi Thriller (Horror) that will be published by DAMNATION BOOKS and be available in 2015. A story about an experiment gone awry, they wanted to create the perfect soldier, but instead, a hero was born…
Also be on the look for FRESH MEAT, a Paranormal (Horror with Multicultural & Gay Themes) and is about a sociopathic’s inner journey from evil to salvation.
Bryce is also a blog writer for the Human Rights Campaign.
Movie review: ‘Dead Snow 2: Red Vs. Dead’ is the definitive Nazi zombie movie of the 2014 Halloween season